Real and Raw And I'm Still Not Bitter

Pauline Respress, M.Ed.,
Sometimes I see where I have come from and all of the painful experiences that I've had to endure, from childhood to adulthood. And I wonder why am I not bitter--why isn't fire spewing out of my mouth--why am I not bitching and complaining about my abusive childhood. A father that beat my mother senseless, alcoholism, mental illness , rape and the list goes on--you name it I have experienced it. I have been at my lowest points in my life --where at times it was dark all around me, but the one thing I had to hold onto were my dreams and my wonderful and magnificent imagination.

I can remember standing by the fence in the school yard, in Philly-- probably about nine or ten--and watching the train that came by like clock work --The smoke from the engine appearing before the train and the excitement welling up in me --I would stand there eyes dazed over from another horror--but imagine in my head that the conductor would pick me up on the next trip and take me with him. I can remember the police coming to our home for the hundredth time and pleading with him to take me with them. Broken glass--blood everywhere-- However --in my mind-- I always thought anywhere but here--and like Peter Pan I would soar in my head.

But when I really think about why I am not bitter or bitchy or resentful. I realize that I never really allowed all of the horrible things that happened in my life --to attach to my spirit. When I was in the midst of the horrors my spirit was soaring somewhere else, so the horrors were like me watching someone else's movie. It may have been denial --but it saved me in a sense. It allowed me to not be a victim, it preserved my spirit from not being so damaged that I could not continue on to my destiny. I thank God for the gift that he implanted in me--the ability to hide myself from my victimizers and not allow them to rob me of what I have come to know as my beautiful free spirit.

I have since packaged all of the damaging experiences and now view them as merely pieces of my beautifully weaved history. Without each of the horrible experiences --I would not be the person that I am today. I would not have the passion for peace and a spirit that chooses love as a tool to carry me forward on my journey. You see it is up to us to either see the glass as empty or half full--I choose the latter as it allows me to never forget my past--but to grab hold to it and weave it into a future designed solely by me and my maker. And when I look back on my history I see it in an entirely new way. I say to myself--not bitter--but better!


So this week ladies remember that our past experiences are designed to make us better, not bitter!

Go Forth And Do Amazing Things!

Kind Regards,

Pauline 

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